C
In the immortal words, almost, of the great Bruce Springsteen*: “Cats, wot is they good for? Absolutely nuthin, huh, say it again…“
Wot cats do is basically annoy dogs. They is not dogs, they is smaller and sleeker and more cunnin. And they has very sharp claws and they hiss and spit, wot is ROOD. Any dog worth its salt would stand on or bounce at any cat they see. I try to do this but she don’t like it and in fact she tell me off. I don’t get much chance as the cats is upstairs while I patrol downstairs. That mean the cats sleep upstairs with the hoomans, snot fair. AND they get to go in and out through a cat flap wot leads onto a flat roof where they sit in the sun and sneer at me in the garden. Cats is bastards.
Her old dog Ozzie, wot was dead before I came (poor Ozzie), was besties with Sootie. Sootie is like a black panther wot has been tumble dried too hot and has shrunk. Sootie used to snuggle up with Ozzie and lick his face and pretend to be all nice. Ozzie must have been a complete wuss and reely fick is all wot I can fink.
Sootie is ackshewally the devil incarnate, he act all nicey nicey but then whack people, even Sista 2 whose cat he is. Yet they still like him? I don’t get it.
There is also Stanley, wot belong to Sista 1 and Willis, wot used to live with her mother before she died (poor mother) (not HER, her mother obvs, else where would I be?) Stanley and Willis are almost igzactly identical, even the hoomans can’t tell them apart most of the time. I can see an opportunity there to stand on at least one of them before she notice.
She say I will behave better with them in the summer when the doors and windows is open and I won’t be able to patrol the downstairs cat flap all the time and bounce at CATS. She might be right, but I will still try.
*Bruce Springsteen is known as The Boss. This is confoosin, because in my view she is the boss and then he talk about The Boss and I don’t fink she has ever reached the top of the popular music charts?