Wot I fink about stuff

D

I am SOOO imbarassed. Tonight I sat on the sofa with her and the stoopid cat Sootie. I was very good, even when he licket me and then got stroppy. I understand I must not jump on him or even chase him. BUT there’s still two others, they look practically the same, so if I can get one of them I will.

In other news: I luuuurve swimmin in the sea!  Who noo? I jump over the waves, we lost a tennis ball the other day – think it went to France (a new toy for a French dog she say), but gettin wet is loads of fun. Her old dog (wot sound stoopid to me) was trained not to shake next to her but it make me larf when she go OMG you bitch when I get her wet, harhar. I am very good with (most) other dogs tho, but I still pull like a trane when she doesn’t use that thing she puts on my nose (but I am very good when I am wearin it and I walk beeeeaautiffly on my lead now).

She is torkin about gettin me spade very soon, maybe even next week. This is GOOD as it means no more of that narsty S-E-X business or stoopid puppies (qwite sweet when little but then toddlers?) but I reeely don’t want to wear a Cone of Shame. Can I repawt her somewhere?? 

Licks, Tammie.

H

The sistas say: all mum’s best cloves come from Tescos.  She usually wear practical stuff wot she can take me for walks in (wot is sensible). 

She don’t like high heels because she fall off them (red wine?).  Also because she work from home she very often work in pyjamas – no one can see her so it don’t matter she say.  She lack style but I am prepared to overlook that because she GOOD and NICE dog mummy. 

I do draw the line when it come to gardenin – she wear jeans, and boots and a fleece and a bandana round her head to keep the fur out of her eyes.  She fink she look like some sort of buccaneering pirate chick, but ackshewally the bandana make her look like Axl Rose out of Guns ‘n Roses on a reely reely bad day.

S

One of the fings wot I forgot about wot they call me is related to size.  Basically, I has huge ears, huge paws, and a very long very pink tongue.  Sizeism and fat shamin is BAD.  So she call me the ‘dog with the unfeasibly big ears’ and then I do the sad face, and they decide that  if I hadn’t had all those puppies as a teen mum I would have grown into my ears, paws and tongue properly and been a much bigger dog.  Then they feel sorry for me, I do the Daily Mail sad face again, and if I’m lucky I get a treat.  #winninatLabbylife!

D

I hav bin hear 2 weeks now. Got evryfing pretty much under control. My hooman Sista 1 came home, she got me the most eggzellent crockodile toy and I lerned how to squeeeek it myself in less than a nanosecond (SKILLZ). The other hooman Sista 2 is comin soon, she got a BOYfrend wots dad is a pleece dog handler. I am shore they will both luuuuurve me because evryone else does, even other dogs (apart from that one ROOD staffee but we won’t talk about him becoz she got really quite cross with me for finding him a second time…).  Even people who don’t like dogs (WTF?) like ME.  EVRYONE love ME.

Grub is good, walkies is good, but they still seem overly keen on me not bouncin at them cat things? Yoozherly our paths don’t cross much coz them cats is UPSTAIRS (why don’t they want meeee up there??) but the small black vicious one, fink he called Sootie or somefink stoopid is gettin braver. Can’t wait to stomp on him! Love and lix to you and those other dogs – can’t remember their names now but if I am onest, this gaff is pretty good

Tammie xxx

D

This is a good gaff, they cater to my evry whim most of the time and I am workin hard to make shore they do it EVRY time.

Parties at other people’s houses are fun, I lay on the sofa while my hoomans did some wine tastin (most parties seem to involve a lot of wine tastin?). They woz very qwiet the next day but I was rarin to go! Visitors is good too – the one on Monday wot is her hooman bestie brought me some new toys, and Sista 1 is bringin me some toys on Saturday. I don’t bounce at rabbits any more. Them cats is a bit weird, they won’t come near enough for me to bounce at them, and the hoomans seem to quite like them. Odd.

Seagulls is annoyin, just as you get up close they do kind of like levitation (big word wot I can’t spell but she can) and then they are in the sky. Also rather scary when they zoom over your head when you are on top of the seawall. Can’t work out how they got there.  And they is BIG close up!

Also, if you put your fangs through your new tennis ball it don’t bounce any more. Very disappointin, but hoomans will order me some more I am shore. I have met some other dogs; can’t say I was very keen but she tell me off if I bounce at them too much. I’m better than I was tho. That all for now, my paws don’t do the keyboard very well.

Big slobbery licks, Tammie xxx

S

One of my favourite things is a squeeeeky toy.  Wot I do is, I very quickly find out igzackly where the sqeeeek is and then I squeeek it like mad til it die.  Evryone fink I am very clever to be able to find the squeeeek and do it myself, but they is usually quite pleased when the squeeek die (poor squeeek).  Sista 1 and Sista 2 fink it sad because they fink the squeeeks reminds me of my babies wot woz taken away from me when I woz only a baby myself.  So then I get a cuddle and quite often a treat – win win.

I got a stuffed elk wot squeeeked for Krissmas (I dunno, wot is a elk?).  She fink she so funny, she call it Elk-ie Brooks and snigger at her own joke qwite a lot.  I also got a stuffed squeeeeky rat from his parents.  They call it Roland Rat and snigger again.  And I got a stuffed wolf wot they call Wolfie Smith.  Their sense of humour is qwite odd but she say maybe you have to have been there…

D

Today was the first time she took me out of the garden, and I met a very ROOD Staffee.  We had a bit of a snarl and then went our separate ways.  She was qwite cross that I went to find him a second time so I could finish wot I was sayin (I is a feminist Labby, I got to have last word rite?).  I have met some nice Staffees, so I is not bein Staffee-ist at all. 

Then we went back in the garden and I found a hole in the fence – made some noo very small doggy friends in someone else’s garden.  She panick, ran round all the way to the front door of the other house and I tricked her by goin back into MY garden and lookin all sweet and innersent when she got back.  Harhar. 

I fink I am going to be Top Dog all round (ackshewally I is the only dog but that not the point). 

Licks ‘n stuff, Tammie.

W

As mentioned earlier, my official name is Tammie, coz that’s wot Dere Unkle Roy and Arntie Soo called me when they rescued me from bein dumped.

Here, I have a lot of names:

Tammie
Tamtam
Princess Tamtam
Tamsin
Oh shit what are you eating NOW?
Tammie Toesies
Toesies
Toes
OMG you bloody dog
Big Ears
Will you get out of the bloody way?
Wiggly Piggly
Do you really have to lie just there?
OMG you didn’t did you?
OH FFS….

They is all said with lurve, and I answer to all of them, just in case there is a biccie or a cuddle or somefing.

D

It was cooool to visit them with Harley and the other dogs.  First fing I did was jump on the sofa and lick him!  Then we went for a walk on the beach, Harley was a big wuss about the sea but I fort it was coooooool.  Then we went back to your place – and next day I came here to live for EVER!  She has bought me a new bed, and a collar, and a lead, and toys and food and EVRYTHING – hope she keeps this level of investment up, I deserve it (I am the L’Oreal dog: because I am worth it).

They have rabbits in the garden in hutchy/run fings wot belong to my new Sista 2, and I like to bounce at them.  She don’t fink it’s funny.  Nor do they, to be fair. 

And there are three weird CAT fings wot live upstairs – why can’t I go upstairs and sleep on the hoomans’ bed like wot they do?  Snot fair.  Also, I chased a FOX round the garden this mornin (didn’t catch it), and she threw a ball for me quite a lot of times.  She took me for a walk round the garden and the field, but I had to stay on the lead coz I is a ‘Noo Dog’ and she not shore I will come back if she lets me off just yet – borin on the lead, but intrestin all the same.  I am bein very good so she will trust me very soon.

Them cat things are a pain.  She say don’t chase them like a demented rhino (wot that?) and you will all be besties.  I don’t bloody fink so, they is stoopid.  Then I ate some poo or somefink dead in the field and now my tummy is a bit upset and she is STARVIN me – so cruwel.  Sometimes she go out WITHOUT ME for at least 20 minutes, and then I sits on the window seat in the kitchin waitin for her to come back so she realise that she is bein horrible.  Also, I put dog snot on the windows, harhar. 

Luv and licks, Tammie.

Dramatis Personae
TAMMIE: our heroine, a black Labrador of enormous beauty, charm, confidence, joie de vivre and cunning
SHE/HER: Tammie’s favourite hooman and adoring slave
HE/HIM: her husband, less of a slave but still adoring
THEY/THEM/THEIR: them two wot is above
SISTA 1: about to finish university, wants to work in TV or film, buys excellent dog toys
SISTA 2: at university, gives excellent cuddles
BOYFRIEND OF SISTA 2: also at university and excellent at cuddles
DERE UNKLE ROY: rescuer, loves Labradors
ARNTIE SOO: rescuer, loves Labs and all dogs, married to Dere Unkle Roy

My name is Tammie.  At least, I fink it is – I didn’t have a proper name before I went to live with Dere Unkle Roy and Arntie Soo (more of them later). 

Now I am in my proper home I have lots of different names, some more polite than others, but it’s pretty good here (in fact it would be perfick if it wasn’t for the CATS – more of them later too).  TS Eliot, wot was a poet and a riter of musicals, said somefing about the namin of cats, bloody shame he wasted his time on felines wot is stoopid and has sharp claws and is ROOD when they hiss and spit.

Anyway, I digress.

I am a black Labrador, and very beautiful (that’s wot evryone say, not being vain or anyfink, but is TROO of course).  I am just three years old, and I had already had three lots of puppies before I got dumped.

She, my hooman for ever, has helped me write this blog.  Basically because she can touch type while my paws are a bit too big for a keyboard.  And besides, she is my slave, so I might as well let her get on with it while I snooze and snore and dream of food and foxes and food…